Boundaries

 This entry might also be a bit choppy as I copy out notes made during therapy sessions.

 What do we do when someone doesn’t respect our boundary?  When someone pushes a boundary, repeat it with more intensity of tone.  No need to be snide but simply a more authoritative statement of your position.  People often don’t learn from the first statement of your boundary.  You an also re-phrase your boundary as a question,  “what did I  say?”

Some of us are people pleasers.  We don’t want to disappoint people.  We make the mistake of letting our empathy make us think that other people are like us.  We seek the approval of others in order to feel worthy.

 Goal  =  to feel empowered and protected by own selves

 Beware of people who take advantage of our tendency to be compliant in order to get their way.

 Hierarchy of Power  

• ·         if someone has power over me, I don’t feel safe
• ·         If someone has power over me and takes advantage and hurts me, then I start to feel unsafe about people in authority

 

Core Belief   =    we don’t have authority.    We need to challenge that belief  >  believe that WE have authority  >  WE have power

 

Parallels to the past 

·         person looks/sounds/acts like person who hurt us in past

·         or a place is similar to a place where we’ve been hurt

·         or a situation/event parallels a time we’ve been hurt

 

When you’ve been hurt, disappointed neglected and made to feel small and insignificant,  you know that pain and don’t want to inflict it on someone else.  And this can lead us to more pain and emotional suffering as we try to ‘people please’ and protect others at the cost of our own happiness and mental well being.

 

To Do Lists Vs Ta-Done List

In our recent trauma group session the topic was happiness and self reinforcement.  I find this notion very strange and uncomfortable but Sean pointed out that it doesn’t have to mean positive self talk (“good job me”) but can simply be acknowledgement of things accomplished.

“Good job me for getting the floor washed today”  versus  “I got the floor washed today”

He said to find three things that are accomplished each day even if one of those things is just getting out of bed.  That made me laugh because I wouldn’t have thought of getting up as an accomplishment.  But having experienced those days when I’ve not been able to get up, I can appreciate that it IS and accomplishment.   I just needed someone else to point that out.   To realize the little accomplishments.   To look at my day in terms of what did get done instead of what didn’t get done. 

To that end I’m going to make a DONE list each day and toss the ‘to do’ list.  The ‘to do’  list always comes up short.   It’s never completely finished and therefore a passive suggestion of failure.   It’s a failure list.  So instead of making a ‘to do’ list,  I’m going to make a ‘ta-done’ list.

 Today’s  ‘ta-done’ list included:

• ·         got out of bed
• ·         took care critters
• ·         made lunch
• ·         went shopping for dog and cat food
• ·         partly groomed Flynn
• ·         got water refills
• ·         updated this blog