Reliving Memories

A commercial on TV for the show 911 triggered the memory of the time my dad passed out in his bedroom and I thought he’d died.   He’d fallen down and called to me for help to get up.  As I was helping him to his feet he passed out and slumped to the floor and as he went down the life seemed to drain from him.   I remember him exhaling and appear to have stopped  breathing.   I was screaming  “Wake Up …. DAD … Wake Up!”, and shaking him.   I called 911 and was in a state of total panic.  I don’t know how the operator understood me.  I think I was screaming into the phone as I spoke and was barely able to answer questions because I was so terrified.   I kept going back to Dad and screaming “Wake Up!”    After a few minutes he came to and insisted he was fine and had me cancel the ambulance.   He seemed oblivious to how scared I was or how terrifying the experience was.  He was actually irritated that I’d called 911.

I titled this entry “reliving” a memory because it’s not just a memory in my head.  I can feel the panic and fear.  I can see my Dad fading as he did.   The pictures of the breath leaving him is seared in my mind.   My heart is pounding and I’m feeling very unsettled.   I know it’s a memory from years ago but I can feel the emotion as if it is happening now.

This happened before my dad got really sick.  At this point in time he was still mobile and had been outside building a shelter for the ponies.  He had come in for lunch when this episode took place.

 

 

“What Is Wrong With You?”

I was driving home the other night and for some reason the memory of my first date popped up.  I think I was about 17yrs old.  It was with a very handsome young man who was in the same dance program as I was.   We went on a double date with another couple …… to the zoo …… nothing terribly romantic.  I can’t be sure now but I think his name was John   He was somewhat of a shy individual, as was I, so I have no idea how this date came to be.    I don’t recall much about that afternoon at the zoo.   I know my parents dropped me off and picked me up afterwards.   I didn’t drive at the time.  My friends date drove so that was her transportation.    I have no idea how John got there.  What I do remember about the experience was my mother ruining it.   She teased me and made inappropriate comments that embarrassed me and the more uncomfortable I became, the more she relished in humiliating me.  She seemed to derive great pleasure in my discomfort.   It reminded me of the “mean girls” …. you know …. those awful teenagers who derive pleasure in hurting others.

As all this swarmed into my mind I suddenly shouted out,  “what is wrong with you?!”;   “seriously ..… what the hell is wrong with you?”    I wasn’t talking to myself.   I was talking to my mother.   I was driving,  yelling at my deceased mother,  and as I shouted over and over,   “what is wrong with you”,  I became very very angry.   I became so angry at my mother for ruining what should have been a memorable growing up life event.  A happy memory.   Not the horrible embarrassing event that it was.  And to be clear, it wasn’t the date or the boy that was horrible.  It was the aftermath.  And I learned that I never wanted to be in that position again;  being teased and humiliated.   And indeed it was several years before I risked another date.