Held Hostage By Fear

Is there more to fear than just its need to exist?    At the end of the day what does fear want from us?   Therapy teaches us that fear can be healthy most of the time.  It warns us of danger,  reminds us of our limits, and can protect us from carelessness.   We need to determine healthy fear from unhealthy fear,  so that we can ‘trust’ healthy fear. 

What is healthy fear?    Healthy fear is triggered by  a real threat of danger and disappears when that threat/danger is no longer present.

What is unhealthy fear?   Unhealthy fear is triggered by a perceived or imagined danger, which oftentimes is not dangerous at all.  It’s the worry or anticipation of a threat that “might” be present.

Healthy fear subsides after serving its’ purpose  (warning and/or protecting us from danger),  while unhealthy fear persists to haunt us.

The question is,  when fear holds us hostage, how do we make it let go?

 

Confidence

Confidence is faith in oneself and cannot be given to us by another person.   That being said,  when someone expresses that they have confidence in us,  it boosts our confidence.    When we feel accepted and worthy,  it boosts our confidence.

 

Fear Returned

Recently I’ve been experiencing old fears.   Cars following me.  Men in parking lots.   I haven’t experienced those specific fears in awhile.   I’m not sure why they’ve resurfaced.  A few nights ago I was driving home and an SUV was driving behind me.  I felt it was driving too close behind me -  tailgating.  This is a rural area so no need to be driving up so close.    I slowed down a bit to allow the person to pass me,  but they didn’t.   Just kept riding my bumper.   Every turn I made, the car followed and I felt that old fear wash over me.   As I neared home I started thinking about what to do if the vehicle followed me onto my home road.  For certain I would drive past my house so “he” wouldn’t know where I live.  But where would I drive to?  Was there somewhere I could go that was well lit and have people around?   I was really panicking.  Fortunately the car did not turn onto my road.   Logically I realized that I wasn’t being  ‘followed’.  It was just someone driving the same route.  But fear overrides logic.   Sean says fear is our perception of danger versus our perception of our ability to cope.   And like fear, anxiety is often triggered by a perception of danger versus what we can do about it.

The car following me was not the only episode this past week.   The other day I was at a grocery store parking lot.   A car pulled up beside me and the man driving looked at me and smiled.  Cue instant anxiety.   I couldn’t get out f my car.   I was afraid.   I fidgeted, pretending to be busy until the man exited his vehicle and went into the store.  Only then did I venture into the store.   When I came out,  to my dismay,  I saw the same man just ahead of me, returning to his car.   I was unable to walk to my car for fear of getting close to this man.  I dawdled until I was sure it was safe to go to my car.   And then I admonished myself for being so ridiculous.

I’m not 100% sure but I think these particular fear scenarios are related to having been stalked in the past.   But it was so long ago.   Why does it still haunt me?   Trauma therapy tells me that the past is shaping how I react to current events.  I need to re-learn that these situations are safe.

 

Mindfulness

I was reading at article about mindfulness by  Thich Nhat Hanh,  and he described mindfulness as awareness.   For example,  if you are washing the dishes and aware that you are washing the dishes,  that is mindfulness of washing dishes.   He speaks of anger and how to exercise ‘the mindfulness of anger’.    Breathe in and say,  ‘I know I’m angry’.  Then breathe out and say,  ‘I know anger is in me’.     The energy of anger arises first, followed by the energy of mindfulness.   The author says that the second energy embraces the first in order to soothe it and allow it to subside.   I will have to try this when fear, or anxiety, or sadness overcome me.

Breathe in  -  I know I’m anxious

Breathe out   -  I know anxiety is within me

Breathe in  -  I know I feel fearful

Breathe  out  -  I know fear is in me

Breathe in  -  I know I am sad

Breathe out  -  I know sadness is in me

 

It’s basically the same as what I’m learning in trauma therapy.   Feel the emotion and validate it.

 

Boundaries/Assertiveness

Historically I end up with things I don’t want because I don’t want to offend someone by saying no.   That was the case with the crazy goat that tried to kill me.  I wasn’t looking to acquire a goat at the time and he was older than I generally like to adopt a kid.  He was past the age for disbudding and a good set of horns.  I took him because I wasn’t able to say no.  He needed a home and there was no interest in him.  His breeder contacted me to see if I might be interested in him.  I’d just lost the last of my goats and I wasn’t really ready or interested in taking on a new goat at that time.  But I felt cornered.  He needed a home.  He couldn’t stay where he was.  The breeder was reaching out for help and I felt obligated to take him.  She did not pressure me or otherwise try to coerce me into taking the goat.  That pressure came from within myself.  I couldn’t say no.

I have too many dogs because I couldn’t say no to rescue dogs in need.  The ones no one wanted.  I absorbed the burden of guilt for their deaths if I didn’t take them.  And rescues knew that they could tell me a sob story and I would cave in and take that hard to place that no one wanted.    I had to close down my rescue in order to step away from being guilted into saying yes.

Currently I find myself in a similar situation.  I’m thinking about getting an axoltl.  A friends axoltl laid a bunch of eggs and I’m interested in adopting one of the babies.  However,  I’m only interested in a white (albino) or very light coloured individual.  What attracts me to them is their little smiling faces, which are more visible in the lighter colours.    It’s that happy smiling face that I want to look at everyday.   So now I have to set a boundary and not feel obligated to take an axoltl that I don’t want because I’m afraid to let down my friend by saying no if there are only dark coloured babies available.  I have to stick to my guns and only adopt IF there is a baby that meets my desire.  We won’t know for a few weeks yet, so I’m preparing myself to be able to say no if I can’t get exactly what I want.

 

When Success Seems Just Out Of Reach

I was watching an episode of the tv show Bones in which the character Dr. Brennen says to one of the interns,  “When success feels just out of reach, it must be redefined as that which can be accomplished.  Sometimes this means finding an alternative that we can live with”.      This really hit home for me because success has always felt just out of my reach.   But I’ve never thought in terms of redefining what success could mean.   For me it’s always bee success versus failure, and thus if success can’t be achieved, it means I’ve failed.   This idea of redefining success has got me thinking.    And it’s got me thinking about love and connection and how I’ve never felt it.   It’s always felt just out of reach.  And I often feel that it always will be.  So the question then becomes, what is an alternative that I can live with?