Birthdays

I was watching a tv show in which one of the scenes was a little girls birthday party.  It triggered the memory of how birthdays were never “celebrated” in my family.  I remember seeing a photograph of a birthday party in England.   I would have been about 4yrs of age.    I have no memory of the party …. just the photo.    I have almost no memory of my life in England.   There are no other photographs showing birthday celebrations in my childhood.  I don’t remember every being thrown a party.   Of course, who would come?   I didn’t have any friends.   Kids at school came from wealthy homes so my mom would have deemed our home unsuitable for guests and we certainly wouldn’t have been able to afford a catered event somewhere.   She quite often said of other people,  “they probably have beautiful homes”.   So I can understand why no parties were held at our home.   But why did that mean that birthdays were not celebrated?   Why was everything such an inconvenience?   Why couldn’t we have had a family celebration?  My mother used to say that birthdays shouldn’t  be for the children, they should be for the mothers because they gave birth to them.   Even as an adult, giving me a card was an inconvenience.  Birthdays = one card with $20 or so in it.  One card signed by both parents.   No thought or effort put into it.   Zero importance was placed on birthdays.  It wasn’t just me though.   They were like that with each other as well.    My dad used to give my mother a birthday card and a box of chocolates.    Her birthday was December 28^th so just after xmas.   I don’t recall there ever being a present .. just the card and chocolates.   My mom didn’t get my dad a card or a gift.    It was me who bought cards, and gifts, and birthday cakes for my parents.   I put more effort into honouring their birthdays than they did mine.   After my mom died my dad announced no more birthday,  xmas, or gifts for any occasion.   He just didn’t want to be bothered to remember dates or be obligated to buy gifts.   Despite that, I did continue to give my dad a small birthday gift and a special dessert.    He never remembered my birthday.

Parents not celebrating their children’s birthdays denies them the opportunity to feel special and worthy.   I learned that I was not special.  My life was not worthy of celebration.

 

Narcissists

Narcissists are really good at managing how  people perceive them.   They seldom show the ‘dark’ side in public.   My mother would praise me in public, or speak positively about me in public,  while criticizing and demeaning me in private.   She would exaggerate an accomplishment and boast,  only to disregard the accomplishment and diminish it in private.   She would provoke an emotional reaction and then accuse me of being over reactive,  or dramatic,  or unhinged.

 

Xmas Pudding

As I was checking out at Sobey’s  yesterday I saw a ‘sale’ rack with xmas puddings.  Prior to xmas I couldn’t find one anywhere and now lo and behold,  a whole shelf of them.  And on sale too.    $2.99 down from $7.99,     Score!!!

 

It’s Wednesday?

I’ve lost track of time again.   It’s Wednesday.  What happened to Tuesday?   I haven’t been sleeping well.  Pain has been part of the reason this past week.   I’ve strained my back somehow and Tylenol/Advil are only taking the edge off.   My lower back is killing me.  In addition,  my left hip and thigh are also very painful,  and the skin on my thigh is painful.  I’m not sure how I strained my back but I think my hip/thigh pain is a result of Petunia climbing up onto the recliner.   As she climbs up beside me her back hooves dig into my leg and her front hooves poke me in the ribs.  I think the impact of her hooves is causing the hip/thigh pain.   I’m not sure what is causing the skin sensitivity.   Between the hip/thigh and lower back pain, I’m feeling quite incapacitated.   I’m trying to rest my back but it’s difficult as I cannot avoid heavy lifting in my daily life.   Feeding the horses necessitates lifting a 50lb bale of hay per day.  And then there’s the 15 litre bottles of water.   Of course,  the sitting/lying around resting my back means I’m once again not getting anything done.   And that feeds the depression.

The pain is affecting my sleep.   I’m just cat napping.  The pain pills are not lasting the full six hours between doses.  They take 20 to 30 minutes to kick in and then wear off around the four hour mark.   I can’t sleep through the pain so I lie awake suffering and trying to find a comfortable position to ease the pain.    I’m probably losing track of time because my days and nights are not clearly defined with awake and sleep cycles.

Tomorrow is therapy day.   It’s my turn to talk.   I don’t know what I want to talk about.  It’s making me feel anxious.

 

Re-living An Old Memory

The other day a friend posted on facebook about an experience she had while at the lab for a blood draw.  There was a little girl in the cubicle next to her and the child was terrified and crying.  The mother and nurse were bifurcating between telling her ,  “you have to be brave”, and berating her for being frightened.   And when her fear and tears persisted the mother was told to “hold her still”,   and the child threatened with,  “if you don’t sit still I’ll have someone come in and restrain you”.    This post sparked many responses, one of which was from a woman who shared about how as an 8yr old, she had been restrained for a medical exam after a bicycle accident.   And the lasting phobia/fear of doctors that resulted.   How the only time she can see a doctor is in an emergency situation.    OMG!!!   That sent a shudder through me.   I can’t even write the nature of the exam.    I had the exact same experience following a bicycle accident I had at 6yrs of age  (which I’ve written about earlier in this blog).   And I have the same phobia.  My extreme fear pre-existed the bike accident, but that experience of being pinned down and threatened to force compliance,  cemented it .    Reading that woman’s post about her experience triggered the memory of my experience and the feeling of being violated. 

This is so wrong.  Restraining children.  Pinning them down and subjecting them to painful, humiliating, and/or terrifying experiences.    Children have no rights.  Parents and people in positions of authority can do whatever they want and children have no say.   Children are expected to comply and if they don’t they are coerced and forced into submission.   This is especially true when it comes to medical and dental procedures.    There is no compassion.   The patient is deemed difficult and uncooperative.  An annoyance.   If you pin a child down and impose sex on them it’s an assault.   A crime.  But if you pin down and restrain a child for an invasive medical exam or procedure, that’s okay.  NO.  No it’s not!!!!   It’s wrong.   Aside from the emotional trauma, this also teaches kids that they have no rights;  that they are not worthy of having rights.  That their feelings,  their fears, don’t matter.   That THEY don’t matter.   I would hope that pediatric medicine is much better these days and that children are treated with more respect and compassion.

 

NO

Such a simple word and yet so difficult to utter.   When we learn as children  (from things as discussed in the previous entry) that we have no rights;  that even if we say ‘no’ we will be forced or coerced into compliance,  we learn that ‘no’ is not available to us.   ‘No’ will not be respected.    And when we do summon the courage to say ‘no’ and enforce it,  we feel guilty.   There is risk involved with saying ‘no’.  One is that we fear offending the person to whom we say no.  On an unconscious level I’d rather absorb emotional pain than impose it on someone else.  ‘No’ also risks confrontation and /or rejection.   ‘No’ risks both emotional and physical confrontation.     But not being able to say ‘no’ means living a life of compromise, always deferring to the desires of others.  It means that we are oftentimes depriving ourselves of happiness.   Neglecting our own needs for the sake of someone else.