Affection/Connection

 

I never saw my parents be affectionate with one another.    They were not what one would categorize as a romantic couple.  

As a child you sense something is wrong  -  you feel the distance and you learn to accept that distance as normal.  That emotional disconnection is normal.    Your gut  tells you this is wrong, that you want/need connection, but your observations tell you connection is risky and disconnection is safe.   Children mirror what the adults in their lives show them.   In a home where there is no true empathy,  where emotions are dismissed, a child learns that emotions are risky.   Emotion,  at best,  invites belittling, criticism, dismissal/rejection.   At worst, they provoke anger and threat of imminent danger.  To be an emotional person in a world where those emotions need to be hidden, creates an awful internal conflict.   In dog training we call it ‘competing’ or ‘conflicting’ drives.  For example, a dog who is social and wants to greet a stranger, but is at the same time afraid of interacting with the stranger.   Oftentimes the fear will override the social drive and you’ll end up with a dog that exhibits ‘spook barking’ to keep the stranger at bay.  With humans the conflicting drives are the desire for human emotional connection and the simultaneous fear of that connection.   Like the dog that spook barks to keep the scary person away, we develop defensive strategies to protect ourselves from the perceived threat of connection.   The drive to protect ourselves from the vulnerability of connection overrides our desire for that connection.

 

Tahree

I was driving home tonight and for some reason I started to think about/remember Tahree,  and I was overwhelmed with sadness and began to cry.  She was such an important part of my life.  Farm dog, companion, co-pilot  (car), and protecter.  She acted as my emotional support dog.  Sometimes I feel lost without her.  Tonight I’m feeling her absence.

 

Reactivity/Addiction

In dog training we say that to pretend [fill in the blank behaviour] doesn’t exist, provides an opportunity for it to resurface.   I suppose the same would be true of depression, anxiety, and complex trauma.   If we pretend we are okay, if we push it all down deep inside,  we leave open the opportunity for it all to resurface.  

 

Sudden Waves

It’s the unexpected bouts of crying that I don’t understand.  I was feeling calm this morning.   Yesterday I was feeling total panic.  The province wide lockdown set to begin on Boxing Day means we are out of work again for at least a month.   It seems like every time we are just starting to  approach some semblance of normal …… little bit of income …. little bit of cushion ….. something  happens and it’s gone.   The bills and living expenses far exceed the income and there’s a part of me that is so scared all the time that I’m going to end up homeless.   That we’re just not going to make it through this pandemic.   That I’m going to lose my house.   I’m going to lose my animals.  That’s my fear that’s with me all the time and I’m trying to talk myself down off the ledge because you know ….. law of attraction … don’t want my fears to manifest.

 

I have 3 dogs coming in to board over xmas.  That was to be my extra income to catch up on some bills and maybe afford to get Ophelia spayed.  A bit of cushion.  But now with the lockdown putting us out of work for a month, that money is no longer cushion.  Now it’s living expenses.

 

So yesterday was just panic and fear.  Today I woke up calm and I felt okay and I got Petunia out for her vet appointment for her hoof trim.   Everything was good and I had a small xmas gift for the clinic.  Everything was going well until I started to drive home.  All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with emotion and started crying.  What the hell??  Where did that come from?   Why am I suddenly crying?   These unexpected outbursts of tears seem to come out of nowhere and hijack me.  The slightest little thing can trigger them and I don’t even know what triggered this one.

 

Xmas Eve 2020

It’s Xmas Eve 2020.  One of those spontaneous episodes of sadness and crying just came over me.   I miss my dad.  I miss having someone to talk to.  I miss him being here at home.  I miss visiting him in the hospital.  I miss having someone to cook for.

 

Tomorrow is xmas day  > when Dad was here I’d cook a big brunch with bacon, eggs, sausage, and hashbrowns.  And a special dinner for us with fake wine, and xmas pudding with custard for dessert.    When he was in hospital I’d bring him a plate from home with turkey, swede, stuffing, and homemade gravy.   Now there seems no point to cooking a traditional xmas dinner just for myself.   I didn’t bother last year.   Maybe tomorrow I’ll consider it. 

 

Last year was my first year without my dad.   Friends reached out to help me through that first xmas without him.  I went to see the Xmas Train with my friend Mary.  My cousin Louise invited me to attend my Uncle Dave’s xmas party that he hosts for neighbours and friends.   I spent a lovely half weekend with family.  And my friend Cindy inaugurated me into a group of friends for a wonderful xmas dinner.   All of those things were a wonderful distraction and an introduction back to normal life.   Slowly building a social life. But this year I am alone.   The pandemic has seen to that.  No xmas train.  No xmas party.  And no gatherings/dinners with friends.  This is my first xmas alone.  And I’m feeling alone.   Very alone.

 

Xmas Day 2020

So far a fairly uneventful day.  I slept in or maybe I should say I couldn’t be bothered to get up.  But when I did,  I made myself a brunch like old times.  Bacon, eggs, hashbrowns.   I texted Merry Christmas to some friends,  and had a video call with my cousin Louise.   I’m currently watching tv and sharing the recliner with a pig, 2 cats, and 2 dogs.  In a little while I’ll get up and start cleaning kennels and exercising/feeding dogs,  and tend to the barn animals.

I have the fixings for a traditional xmas dinner.  Hoping I’ll have the energy to actually cook that dinner.

The dogs are all sleeping peacefully >  blissfully unaware of the day,  the pandemic,  or our current state of poverty.

 

Xmas Day Evening

There’s a certain satisfaction in having all the animals fed and looked after, and with clean beds.  I cleaned out Ziggy the guinea pig’s habitat this afternoon.   She’s all happy and zipping around her clean cage with her treats of lettuce, and bell peppers.   I found the motivation to cook a proper dinner.   Now I’m just relaxing while waiting for the oven timer to go off. 

It snowed overnight.  There’s approximately four inches of snow on the ground.  I’m feeling calm at the moment.

Odd thing this year.   I haven’t seen fruit cake or xmas pudding for sale anywhere.  My Dad loved fruit cake and we always got a xmas pudding.   While I’m not a fan of fruitcake,  I am partial to xmas pud with custard.   I’ve been looking for a xmas pudding for weeks now.   Not a one to be seen at any of the places where I normally purchase one.

Dinner was good.   I think I ate too much.

 

Boxing Day 2020

Somehow I lost track of the days of the week.  I was sure yesterday was Thursday.  Imaging my surprise when I woke up this morning to discover it was Saturday!  It’s been a rather lazy day.   Watching a xmas movie on tv and suddenly overwhelmed with sadness.  Tears welling up.  These happy family movies remind me how awkward and unhappy my family was.  My parents never said,  “I love you”,  to each other or to me.  I don’t know if they said it to my sister but I suspect not.

It’s a strange thing to go through life never really feeling loved.   It’s like we were all just stuck with each other.   Fulfilling obligations and expectations.   They say love is seen in actions so I suppose keeping us fed and clothed and a roof over our heads was my parents declaration of love.  Perhaps they too never felt loved and thus lacked the ability to show it.

Life before Dad died was busy enough to fill the void of feeling unloved.  There was always something to occupy my mind and deny my consciousness access to the trauma and emotions buried deep within me.  Although unknown to me, those buried traumas were slowly eroding my ability to function.

 

New Years Day 2021

A day like any other.   Nothing to do.  Nowhere to go.   It’s cold.  I spent most of the day watching tv and napping.   Totally lost track of time.  I just woke up after having nodded off watching television, and had no idea what day it was or what time of day it was.   It’s 9:15pm.   Now I’m feeling unsettled and agitated.  I’m watching tv and can’t focus on what I’m watching.   I’m feeling irritated and I don’t know why.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had very little desire to go online and keep up with social media.  I finally went online a couple of days ago and as soon as I opened up the laptop … BAM! …. anxiety attack.  It really blindsided me.  Although perhaps it shouldn’t have, as I had to really convince myself to go online.   I didn’t want to go online.  I just felt like I should.   I think on some level this withdrawal from social media is a sign that I’m withdrawing from life.   Probably not a good thing.   I haven’t been online since.  Not even to transcribe these writings.  I’m going to have a lot to upload when I finally have to motivation.

I’m feeling really impatient right now.  Restless.  Unfocused.

 

Time

I feel devoid of motivation.  The days seem endless and pointless.   Endless hours of nothing.

 

Withdrawing

I’ve lost all motivation.  Our therapy sessions start up again tomorrow after a two week break over the holidays.   I’m hoping it will reboot my motivation.   I can feel myself withdrawing, unable to face the world.   I didn’t go online again yesterday.  Just couldn’t face what might be there.  I’m starting to be afraid of my email the same as I’m sometimes afraid of what might be in the regular mail.

I just heard on the news today that the covid lockdown might be extended another 2 weeks.  This is reminiscent of what happened last year.   The first lockdown was supposed to be 2 weeks and ended up being  6 months for the dog school and as far as boarding and shows were concerned,  we lost a whole year.   This current lockdown is supposed to be 28 days and now there’s talk of an extension.   They’re postulating we might see a third wave in this pandemic.   How are we going to survive?  How am I going to pay the bills?  How am I going to hang onto my home?  I don’t even have the energy to feel panic.   I feel numb.  I feel helpless and hopeless.

 

Back To Therapy Post Holiday Break

Today was our first day back at therapy.   We talked about anger and how it’s hard to stand up / speak up for ourselves, but we can assert ourselves for others.  My thoughts feel disjointed so I’ll just record the notes I made.

Ø  Anger and aggression are not the same thing.  Anger = emotion.  Aggression = behaviour

Ø  Anger can be helpful.  It can motivate us to change a situation

Ø  Suffering leads to justifiable anger.  Unresolved anger or anger that we feel is too dangerous to express,  can lead to despair and depression.   *too dangerous to express meaning that we are afraid of the consequences of showing we are angry

If someone does something nice for me I feel I don’t have the right to be angry with them about anything or disagree with them or say no.