Therapy

One thing that I’ve learned over the past year and a half is that you need someone to guide you through trauma because it’s too much to sort through on your own.   As memories and emotions flood to the surface it can be overwhelming and paralyzing.  You need that objective person who’s not afraid of your process,  to guide you through.   A person who earns the right to hear your story in a place that’s safe to tell it.  A person patient and compassionate enough to let you tell that story in your own time.  Little bit by little bit as it surfaces and becomes able to be released.     Someone who listens without judgement and offers sage advice.

 

Damn This Depression

Feelings of melancholy are washing over me today.  I woke up feeling okay after having had the first decent sleep in a long time.   I slept for four hours in a row,  woke up,  and then slept two more hours.   So what happened?   I’m trying to be aware of triggers.   I think it’s fear related as I just found out that the dog training school where I work will not be re-opening until the end of September.   We had been anticipating resuming classes as of the second week of September.   It’s a new facility and construction is not yet completed.   I heard on the news that building supplies are in short supply due to covid 19,  so I suppose that’s why we are experiencing a delay with the new facility.   But this new delay has me feeling a sense of panic,  accompanied by the sadness of depression.   I can feel tears brewing just under the surface.  I’m scared I won’t be able to make it financially.   I’m scared I might lost my home.   I know it’s a dump but it’s a rook over mine and the animals heads.   How and where will we live if I lose this place?  How will I hang onto this place if there isn’t enough income?   I feel a sense of dread and panic consuming me.  I don’t know if the CERB has been extended for another month,  but if it hasn’t,  I won’t make it until the end of September.  

Loneliness

Even as an introvert,  I’m finding the lack of human connection the pandemic has imposed upon us, to be  challenging.   More and more these days I’m feeling very alone and hopeless, and that I’ve missed the boat as far as being loved is concerned.    I feel like I’m aging years with every passing day and as I get older I become less and less appealing.    And I feel like I’m getting uglier with every passing day.   I’ve developed a double chin …. Ya that’s attractive  ☹    It’s probably because my face gets no exercise since I have no one to talk to and aside from instructing dogs to go outside, get off my chair,  etc.,  I can go an entire day without uttering a word.    Yesterday I googled how to get rid of a double chin and found some exercises but I fear it’s too late and now I’m just ugly.   I know, I know ….  if I don’t like the way I look I can make an effort to change it.   I can lose weight;  I have facial cleansers and creams guaranteed to slow the effects of aging;  I have weights to tone my arms;  and I have and exerciser to help shape my body into something that I won’t hate.    But I feel immobilized .   There’s a sense of  ‘what’s the point?’ .    Who am I making myself look good for?    No one.   

 I saw a meme on facebook that said something to the effect of ,  “things will get better , maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.”    Someday.  When is someday?   I feel like I won’t make it to ‘someday’.  

I feel foolish feeling what I feel.   Too old to be feeling what I feel.    I’ve always been told that I don’t feel what I feel,  or I was imagining what I feel.   That I’m too sensitive.  That I need to let things, ‘roll off your shoulder’.   That I need to get a ‘thicker  skin’.    That there’s something wrong with me for feeling what I feel.   My feelings are thus …… wrong.   Therapy tells me I’ll get past this but sometimes the wounds feel too deep, the hurt too profound,  the damage too permanent.