Self Image

This week we had our first trauma group session since covid started.   It was virtual of course.   This 10wk program focuses on  ‘core beliefs’.    Well I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my self image.   Feeling old and unattractive.   And one of my core beliefs is that I’m unlovable and part of my perceived evidence for that is that I think I’m unattractive and no one would ever be interested in me.   Where’s the evidence, one might ask.   Well for me,  it’s in the mirror every time I look into it.  And the fact that no one has given me a second look in more that two decades is another pretty good piece of evidence to support the fact that I’m unattractive and unlovable.   

Many years ago I was breaking up a dog fight and I got bitten in the face.   It didn’t really hurt but there was blood everywhere.   My house looked like a crime scene from where I’d run inside, down the hallway, and into the bathroom.    I stuck my face under the cold water tap without looking in the mirror.    When I eventually did look up and see my reflection looking back at me,  I was horrified by what I saw,  and started screaming,  “my face!  My face!”    It looked as if someone had taken a pair of scissors and cut my upper lip in two places, right up to my nose.  And I was covered in blood.   The slices in my lip were gaping and looked as if they couldn’t be repaired.   I was freaking out so much that I couldn’t even think to call 911 for help.   In a state of what can only be described as hysteria,  I called a friend and all she could make out from my incoherent babbling were the words,  ‘dog’,  and ‘my face’.   She sent an ambulance to my house not being able to tell them what to expect when they got there.   I was taken the hospital emergency.   Amidst all of this I did have the presence of mind to push the edges of the gashes together.   Once at the hospital I was visited by a policeman since it was a reported dog bite/attack.   I explained that it was my own dogs and they were fighting and that I’d been bitten by accident while trying to break up the fight.   I remember the policemen asking if he could see my face and when I pulled back the towel,  he did one of those faces that people do when they are trying not to show any expression.   “Oh!”, he said,  “you should probably have some ice on that”,  “I’ll go get some for you”.  Then he told me I looked like the victim of a gunshot wound.   I was wearing white and was covered in blood.   Faces bleed ….. a lot!!!    All I could think of was that my face was grotesque and couldn’t be fixed.   Until I suddenly realized that the doctors were going to hurt me, and then I become obsessed with that fear.    The ER doctor consulted with a plastic surgeon and my face was stitched up and it healed well.    I do have scars but most people don’t notice them.    But it didn’t help my self image.

Most of the time I don’t think about those scars.   And even with my recent self image challenges it hasn’t been the scars that have occupied my mind.   It’s just been an overall grapple with feeling like I look bad ….. unattractive …. unwanted ……

So what a great time to have an accident to add to the ugly  >  when I’m already down and in a fragile state with regards to how I look.    Earlier tonight I tripped on a piece of uneven carpet and broke the fall with my face!    I couldn’t regain my balance, and I fell hard and hit my face square on the hard floor.    I felt my nose push upwards.   The pain was unbearable.      Oh my God …. My face!!!!!    I managed to get up,  at which point I realized I’d also banged up my bad knee pretty badly.   I limped my way to the kitchen to get a towel to cover my face and to get some ice.     I wasn’t sure if I was bleeding .   If I was, it wasn’t profuse.  I didn’t have any ice so grabbed a bag of frozen brussel sprouts to put on my face.    Once I had my wits about me,  I drove to the local gas station/convenience store and bought some more frozen veggies to make ice packs, and a large bag of ice to ice my now cantaloupe sized knee.    I was,  and still am,  considering going to the hospital to see if my nose is broken.   I’m not sure what can be done if it is.  It’s not crooked so according to ‘google’,  not much would be done aside from pain killers.   The bridge of my nose IS very painful though, and the rest of my nose is numb.  My knee is in a great deal of pain.   Very swollen and very painful to bend the joint,  as well as painful to touch on the outside of the knee.

So here I sit.   Battered and swollen and soon to be bruised.   What will I look like when this heals?   Will I be left with a huge deformed looking bridge of the nose?   What little sense of  “I’m okay looking”  I might have had,   is now shattered.    Why did this happen?    Why does it feel like I’m constantly getting knocked down?    And how am I going to process this?    How am I going to get to a place where I don’t feel  as if I look like some kind of unsightly eye sore?

I had been planning on making a few ‘video ads’ to post on social media,  for my upcoming workshops and classes.   Today is Saturday > I had been planning on making my videos on Monday.   Now all that has to be put on hold until my face heals.  Hopefully with enough time to get the videos made and distributed with ample time to attract students.