Traumatic Event Memory

I'm not sure what brought this into the forefront of my memory, but I suddenly remembered an event that happened when I was about ten years old. My dad had found a cottage to purchase. I'm not 100% sure but I think he might have found it through a work colleague … maybe a friend of a friend type thing. At any rate, before purchasing the cottage, the property owner offered for our family to spend a weekend there to see how we liked it. My dad got the keys and we packed up for a weekend away from the city. The first night that we were there, someone broke in, in the middle of the night. An imbibed individual and his girlfriend. This man was shouting at us and threatening us saying that this was his cottage and we were trespassing. He threw us out in the middle of the night. I'm not sure how the police got involved. No one had cel phones back then and the cottage didn't have a phone. I suspect my dad drove the 2 miles to Woodland Beach to the public phone booth to report the break in and also to contact the owner with whom he'd been negotiating the purchase of the cottage. It turned out that the intruder was the drunken son of the property owner and he had no right to be there. He did not have a key to the property and “broke in”. He threatened and traumatized a family with two young children, and threw us out without allowing time to get dressed or pack our belongings. I'm not sure what transpired after that. I think the guy was told to leave by police, especially since my dad was able to put the police in contact with the property owner to confirm that we were guests. I'm not sure if we stayed for the rest of the weekend. Mostly what I remember is being very scared by this loud shouting man who broke in and dragged us out of our beds and threw us out in the middle of the night > yelling at my dad and threatening him > and police being there. And afterwards my mom blaming my dad for what happened.

July 7, 2020

I'm so depressed today. It's an over tired, over sensitive, weepy kind of day. I'm feeling that sense of hopelessness. My cousin just posted a photo of a beautiful ocean resort on facebook, with the comment, “on my list”. And it re-triggered the doom and gloom I'm feeling. It triggered the thoughts of “I'll never be able to experience something like that”. I don't have a list. Not even sure what I'd put on a list. And feel like it's too late for a list. I can't imagine a time when I would have enough money or opportunity to do anything fun or experience any of the beauty in the world. I just feel really hopeless today. I feel like I've missed life.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I was still awake at 8:55am. Finally fell asleep for two hours, woke up and then slept for another two hours. Lost half the day. This is how I lose time. Days. Weeks. Years. Lost. It's July and I already feel like winter is around the corner and another year will be lost. What the hell I am doing here? What am I achieving? What is the point of all this? I'm alone. I have no one to take care of and no one to take care of me. Everything just feels so pointless today. I just want to go back to bed and sleep but if I do that I'll be awake all night again. So I just struggle through the day being “less than”, and feeling worthless.    When will I be off this emotional roller coaster?

What Is This Emotion?

Music and song lyrics have always stirred up a lot of emotion in me. Songs get in my head and I can't get them out sometimes. I think everyone experiences this. Today the song in "If The World Was Ending" is stuck in my head. The lyrics say, "if the world was ending you'd come over right? The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight ...." And it triggered that feeling of being totally alone. If the world was ending there's no one to come over or hold onto. And I'm feeling really alone. I think there's a part of me that actually feels like the world is ending due to this pandemic. I'm just really sad today.

Good Things DO Happen So Why Am I So Sad??

What's wrong with me? The past two days have seen “good” things that “should” make me feel happy. So why am I so depressed today?

• I had a dog come for boarding this weekend so that was income …. that's good
• a friend is lending me two humane live traps to rescue a stray cat and her kittens ….. so that's good
• last night I picked up a sizable donation of dog food … so free dog food … that's good
• and a friend is giving me her old television to replace mine that just died …. so that's good too

Those are good things. So why am I so overwhelmed with sadness today. Why am I being hijacked by this depression?

Triggers?

Wondering if there's trigger stacking going on. I've been trying to purchase online access to a conference and having difficulty with their site. I've been unable to process the purchase because the debit option on their checkout, is not working. I've been trying to procure this for three days now without success, and requests for help have not deemed helpful response. So there was that frustration. Then the no sleep last night so probably over tired today. Then I was part of a conversation/discussion about animal rights protesters who are harassing a business that I know, and how they might be dealt with. My suggestion was to approach things from an advertising sort of perspective ….. rather than confront the activists which draws attention to them, draw attention away from the activists by directing the public's attention elsewhere. Launch a marketing campaign that shines attention on the business in a really positive light. Build a fan base so to speak. No need to engage the protesters , just show the public that their accusations are wrong by showing how amazing the animals are cared for and treated. Anyway, despite 20 + people liking my suggestions and offering ideas along that vein, the person we were trying to help was resistant to the ideas. Which is fine. That's her right. This was just food for thought …. a conversation to get people thinking and help a business that is being harassed. But it was the way it came across ….. we tried this and that and it didn't work (well that's why you need a new tack) , that won't work, but , but , but. And that triggered me feeling very oversensitive and ….. OMG here's that word again …... 'rejected' …... sigh. It felt like my Team K9 shows all over again. I put an idea out there and it is squashed. Immediately negated, “that won't work”. My ideas “won't work”. Ergo my ideas are no good. And that circles back to the “not good enough” gremlins. Then I feel overwhelmed with self reproach, and stupid for thinking I had ideas worth sharing. I allowed myself to be drawn into 'caring' about a situation enough to risk offering my thoughts. And as usual I came out emotionally wounded. Why am I so over sensitive?

Probably all of the above contributed to today's melancholy.