Feeling Defeated (June 3/20)

The weight of the world is weighing heavily on me today. Tears have been shed. And a cloud is looming over me. The world is in such disarray. Pandemic. Violence. Hatred. Rioting. Looting. Racism. And a U.S. President who is evil incarnate. It's all too much. Our world is sick and broken. What is wrong with us as a species? For millennia humans have committed atrocities against one another. How have we not evolved into better humans? And please don't say karma .... what goes around comes around. No. No it does not. Everywhere I look I see evil people reaping the spoils of their corrupt behaviour/activities. They prosper while better people struggle. I feel like our world is going to self destruct. Almost like right now ..... 'this' .... this is the end of our civilization. A downward spiral from which we cannot recover. Funny that we call it civilization when civility is in such short supply.

Today I feel so drained. So empty. So ..... ???? .... I don't even know what I feel. Defeated perhaps.

In An Instant

Life can change completely in a day. Life can fall apart in an instant. There's a fine line between one day being okay, getting by, supporting yourself, and the next day the rug is pulled out from under you and you need help.

My life fell apart the day my dad died. I was getting by up until then. I was functioning. Maybe not at optimum capacity, but I was functioning. And then, in an instant, I was lost. And now during this time of covid 19 I feel like I'm experiencing it for a second time. I was getting by. Building a life. Making inroads. Making social connections. And then ..... bam! .... everything was gone. No work. No money. No hugs. No socializing. No touching people. Stay 6ft away from everyone. Stay at home as much as possible. I feel like life as we knew it will never be the same. But not changed for the better. This pandemic has taken normal life away from us (not to mention the hundreds of thousands of actual lives lost). I feel like life has passed me by, and while there was a glimmer of hope pre-covid 19, now it feels like the pandemic has robbed me of the opportunity for a [better] life. I feel like I'm not going to see the other side of this. I think it's that defeated feeling again. No hope. No light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like all this loss is going to last longer than I'm going to live. I know that sounds dramatic but it's what I'm feeling.

Feeling Wiped Out (June 5/20)

Today I'm feeling really wiped out. I think yesterday depleted me, which seems odd since I didn't do anything. The day was uneventful other than driving to Toronto last evening to pick up a boarding dog. First guest since the pandemic shutdowns. Yesterday was so overflowing with an inexplicable sadness. I cried most of the drive into the city and found it difficult to maintain my composure when my client asked how I've been doing.

I think some trigger stacking might be in play. I think I still feel a sense of failure where the goat was concerned. I failed to connect with him. Failed to earn his trust and friendship. And ultimately failed to provide him with a happy life. I don't know where he is now or if he is safe and happy, but I hope he is. That sense of failure was re-triggered this past week when a rescue asked me to take one of their dogs for board and train. The dog had resource guarding issues and a distrust of people. He also had a bite history but it was felt that the bites were defensive and provoked through mishandling which made the dog feel threatened. While I still believe this to be true, it unfortunately made him unpredictable and volatile. Normally I wouldn't take on a dog with a bite history because I'm here alone and can't risk being injured when I have animals who depend on me. I also have no help in the event of an altercation, which puts me at higher risk of injury. Pandemic poverty motivated me to agree to take this dog into my care for behavioural modification training. Unfortunately I had to return him to the rescue the next day (picked him up Tuesday & took him back Wednesday) We had trouble getting him into my car when I met with rescue peeps to pick him up. On the way home he seemed to settle and was happy to share my KFC supper. He was in the back of the car and there is a barrier to prevent canine passengers from accessing the front. But once home, 'Fido' turned into Cujo. I could not get him out of the car. H was snarling (fully teeth bared) and lunging at me, and I would have been bitten had I not closed the door fast enough. He slept in the car overnight and I hoped that the next morning would present a happier and more compliant canine. But no such luck. This poor dog was over threshold. He was suspicious of any interactions. He was not going to leave the safety of the car. Any attempt to sweet talk and befriend him was met with extreme aggression. It was a no go and I had to call the rescue and arrange to take him back. It was a five and a half hour round trip and I felt like a useless failure. I failed to connect with this dog. I failed to gain his trust. And I worried that I might have contributed to his trauma.

I think my sadness yesterday was in part, the result of the dog incident and the not good enough gremlins. And I know this sounds crazy but I think there is an element of that old 'rejection' feeling bubbling under the surface. The goat rejected my friendship. And now this dog rejected my kindness. I failed them. I'm not good enough.

The “you're not good enough” gremlins are consuming me.