Dog Mom Guilt
The other day facebook memories popped up with a photo of Nick as a puppy 11yrs ago and I was shocked by the knowledge that Nick is 11yrs old. Nick is 11? How did that happen? Where did the time go? If Nick is 11, that means Rylee is nine and a half and if Rylee is 9-1/2 that means ............. I've lost years

Dogs lives are short and we are their entire lives. They depend on us for everything .... food, shelter, and quality of life. And that time speeds by and is gone before we know it. Especially when you suffer from depression and trauma. You lose track of time. Hours, weeks, months, and years seem to disappear. The realization that Nick is 11 brought the realization that my mental health has been declining for at least 11yrs. We moved to this location 16yrs ago and life was good for the first four years. I was busy with dog training, shows, competitions, flyball tournaments, organizing disc dog trials, traveling to World Championships, attending seminars, working/teaching at the spca, engaging with friends, and hiking the dogs on the forest trails. And somehow all that seemed to slip away. As my dogs aged and retired from competitions I found I had no desire to train the up and comers. Things I once loved held no joy for me anymore. And time slipped away. Dads health started to decline and my role became care giver. And time slipped away.

Nick. Rylee. Rudder. Now in their senior years and their lives have flown by without purpose. All the plans I had for them, and nothing accomplished. And the youngsters who are now between 4 and 6 years of age have also fallen through the cracks. It's not that they don't have good lives. They are not neglected. They are happy. It's the 'plans' I had for them. The training, The performance. Things not done. And as I sit here unable to face yet another day I feel guilty for the time lost. I feel guilty for not hiking the dogs. For not taking them to the park. For not teaching them sports. I feel like they are victims of my depression. Like their lives are somehow diminished by my inability to function at optimum capacity. And I feel like I'm failing them.

　


Blindsided!
Tough week at group last week. I'm only able to write about it now. There was some trigger stacking going on leading up to last Thursday .... buying the new car; going to sellers house to pick up ownership and not knowing if it was safe; getting plates/ownership/insurance organized; money worries; and lack of sleep. Group was emotional as one of the girls was very emotional. I tried to zone out in order to keep my emotions in check. Afterwards was supposed to be my session with Sean. The week before he had to step out a few minutes early and left student and I to finish the session alone. Letting her be anonymous by just saying 'student' .... not dismissing her in anyway ... just not naming her name here. This week student said that Sean said to get started without him. We just touched on some review of group and just surfacey stuff and before long the entire hour had passed. Sean stopped in and apologized for his absence saying he'd got caught up with a nurse practicioner, and were we okay and schedule for same time next week (this week) . Two weeks in a row left alone with student. I can't even talk to Sean freely with her there yet so conversation is not deep and not going anywhere other than surfacey stuff. It's hard to explain but I was talking with my cousin today and she asked if, had I not known Sean and felt enough of a rapport to reach out for help, would I have sought out therapy from a total stranger. Probably not. To be honest, given the state I was in, I probably wouldn't still be on the planet. So she pointed out to me that not only did I go into this having an already established rapport with Sean, I've also had a year of building a comfort level and trust that allows me to share my life challenges with him. I've known student for three weeks. I don't have that comfort level or trust established with her. Brene Brown says, 'you tell your story to the people who have earned the right to hear it'. Talking one on one, the therapist earns the right to hear the story and it unfolds as trust and safety are established. Adding a second person on the opposite side of the table puts things out of balance. Now it's two against one. It doesn't feel safe. And I can feel myself shutting down.

But the thing that really blindsided me last week was the emotional meltdown I had the minute I walked out of the hospital and into the parking lot . I could feel tears welling up as I was paying my parking pass, and wondered why I was suddenly feeling emotional. Then WHAM! total meltdown. I asked myself, 'what the hell just happened?'. I cried off and on most of the rest of the day/night. And then I suddenly realized that the therapist leaving me alone with student triggered intense emotions related to abandonment and rejection. Wow! I didn't realize I fostered those issues but they hit me hard. Again, in talking with my cousin about it today, she brought things into focus. She said to me, 'of course you felt that way, it makes perfect sense'. She pointed out that those feelings of rejection and abandonment are tied up with a lifetime of not being able to depend on the people you're supposed to be able to depend on. And that brought to the surface for me, the realization that it's also tied up to [much of the time] having been the least important thing in peoples lives. So when the therapist left me with student it triggered those deeply ingrained beliefs that I'm not important or worthy. And those emotions of rejection and abandonment hit me hard. Had someone been able to stop by and let us know that the therapist was tied up and might not make it, I likely would not have experienced those emotions because I would have had the choice to go home. And I would have gone home because as nice as student is, and I do like her as a person, she's very nice; I don't have that comfort level to talk about personal stuff.

Friday was one of those hypo arousal days. A do nothing day. Not a day of rest and replenishment, but rather, a day of complete emotional exhaustion spent under a blanket in the recliner, watching TV and cat napping. And crying. Saturday and Sunday were more of the same. Today I met my cousin for lunch and then had classes to teach. So a more 'normal' day. I'm still feeling out of sorts, anxious, and tense going into this week; and I'm feeling uneasy about going to group and session this week ..... there's an uncomfortableness (pretty sure that's not a real word) connected to the emotions of last week.