Rocketman

I watched the movie Rocketman last night. It's about Elton Johns life.  What really struck me about the story was that despite the talent and the fame and fortune, Elton John was a broken child inside. He carried a burden of childhood trauma that led him to drugs and booze addictions. At one point he is sitting in a drunken state and kudos to the actor, you could "feel" his despair. As I looked at that face and saw the pain behind it I felt like I was looking at myself (minus the addictions). I felt my own pain well up. The success and adulation of millions of fans didn't erase the emotional pain of this superstar. I'd had a major meltdown yesterday and was still quite emotionally raw so that's probably why I felt so connected to this character. The movie ends with Elton having gone through therapy for his addictions, and saying to his parents (in his mind), "I'm not going to allow you to speak to me that way anymore", as well as addressing/dismissing other hurtful people in his life. And then he sees himself as a child, and little Reggie (his real name is Reggie Dwight) asks him when are you going to love me, and he hugs the little boy. Elton had to release the hold his past had on him and embrace/comfort that hurt little boy inside of him, in order to be free of the emotional turmoil.

It really go to me. Embracing the hurt little child that we carry inside us. Comforting 'little us'. Of course it made me cry and through my tears I realized that I can't quite reach that little girl yet. I feel her pain, but I can't yet reach her to comfort her.

Up until now I wasn't really sure what the 'end goal' of this journey is but this movie provided an "aha" moment for me. I think I know where I'm trying to get to. I'm trying to get to that place where I can confront my (let's call them) demons, and be able to say with impunity, "I'm not going to allow you to speak to me that way anymore. I'm not listening to you. You don't control me". And to be able to reach that hurt little girl and say, "It's over. You've survived. And now we are going to walk away from this together".


And the Insults just keep surfacing .....
another comment in the movie Rocketman really rang true for me. At one point, after his success which was his own hard work, Eltons mother says to him that he's never had to work for anything his whole life .... everything's been handed to him; and she chimes 'after all I've done for you', and all she'd given up for him. It was like listening to my own mother. I've had those exact words directed at me!! She used to say, "you've never had to work for anything your whole life; everything's been handed to you on a silver platter; you didn't even fight to be born, you were lifted out into the world." And she was always commenting, "after all I've done for you and all I've given up for you."

She used to say that her sisters beat their children and their children still loved them. And then say, "Maybe if I'd beaten you, you'd have more gumption."

She would say my therapy was handed to me on a silver platter too.    Because I knew Sean & had someone to reach out to.