New Years Eve 2019 /2020
I slept for FIVE HOURS in a row!!!! Okay it was 4hrs and 57 minutes but that's splitting hairs. I haven't slept that long in years!!!! I looked at the clock at 4:01am and woke up at 8:58am
Reinforcement Of The Wrong Kind .....
The other day someone sent me a text asking me if I'd heard of a certain website where employers post job openings, and with the suggestion, "you might want to check it out". Excuse me? Why might I want to check it out? I have a job. I may not be able to work many hours/days at the moment, but I have a job that will allow me to ease back into more hours as I'm able. And a job that pays enough per hour to accommodate my limitations. It's the limitations my mental state puts on me that determines how much I can work and thus, my income. People forget that I have a full time job at home just caring for the animals on the farm. Property maintenance is currently non-existent! I have my dogs and boarding dogs to exercise, clean, and feed everyday. As well as a mini horse and two donkeys .... barn chores. And then there's the driving to pick up and drop off boarding dogs. That alone can total 5hrs on a given day. Yes I'm struggling and drowning in debt but a job at minimum wage, even if I could give it 40hrs a week, would not pay enough to get by. The job I have as an instructor at a dog training facility is my best option for financial security as I ease back into more hours per week.
Why do people think that unsolicited advise is welcome? I realize people don't know our childhood histories or what their words might trigger, but they should be astute enough to know NOT to offer advise that is not requested. This suggestion that I might want to check out the job placement website, from someone who KNOWS that I have a job and KNOWS that I'm struggling with mental health, reinforced in me the notion that what I do has no worth. It said to me that I'm right in thinking that people think that what I do isn't a real job; that it's not a real skill; that it's a hobby of some kind. It's not real work. I'm right to be embarrassed to say my job is 'dog trainer'. 'Cos if they didn't think these things, why would they suggest that I need to look for a job when they know I already have a job? Many years ago when I was working at the veterinary clinic, my mother told me that my father thought what I did was a nothing job and a waste of time. She said he said I earned peanuts and would amount to nothing. I was assisting surgeries, and administering medications, running IV's and anaesthetic machines, taking and developing xrays, as well as doing reception work. But it didn't pay enough so it wasn't worthwhile. And since we were raised that you ARE what you do, that translated into *I* wasn't worthwhile. For years I carried the burden of the belief that my father thought I was worthless and would amount to nothing. A few years ago we had a huge argument over I don't know what now, and I said that I knew he thought what I do isn't a real job. That my mother had told me how he felt about me. He didn't deny it but he also would never speak against my mother. To deny it would be to call my mother a liar and he would never suggest that to me, even it was true. My mother said bad/critical things about my dad, but he never ever said anything to put her down to us kids. I can't remember how we resolved the argument. And I don't know what his true feelings were about what I do for a living. I know my mother made the comments to be hurtful but whether there was truth to them at the time, I don't know.
I slept for FIVE HOURS in a row!!!! Okay it was 4hrs and 57 minutes but that's splitting hairs. I haven't slept that long in years!!!! I looked at the clock at 4:01am and woke up at 8:58am
Reinforcement Of The Wrong Kind .....
The other day someone sent me a text asking me if I'd heard of a certain website where employers post job openings, and with the suggestion, "you might want to check it out". Excuse me? Why might I want to check it out? I have a job. I may not be able to work many hours/days at the moment, but I have a job that will allow me to ease back into more hours as I'm able. And a job that pays enough per hour to accommodate my limitations. It's the limitations my mental state puts on me that determines how much I can work and thus, my income. People forget that I have a full time job at home just caring for the animals on the farm. Property maintenance is currently non-existent! I have my dogs and boarding dogs to exercise, clean, and feed everyday. As well as a mini horse and two donkeys .... barn chores. And then there's the driving to pick up and drop off boarding dogs. That alone can total 5hrs on a given day. Yes I'm struggling and drowning in debt but a job at minimum wage, even if I could give it 40hrs a week, would not pay enough to get by. The job I have as an instructor at a dog training facility is my best option for financial security as I ease back into more hours per week.
Why do people think that unsolicited advise is welcome? I realize people don't know our childhood histories or what their words might trigger, but they should be astute enough to know NOT to offer advise that is not requested. This suggestion that I might want to check out the job placement website, from someone who KNOWS that I have a job and KNOWS that I'm struggling with mental health, reinforced in me the notion that what I do has no worth. It said to me that I'm right in thinking that people think that what I do isn't a real job; that it's not a real skill; that it's a hobby of some kind. It's not real work. I'm right to be embarrassed to say my job is 'dog trainer'. 'Cos if they didn't think these things, why would they suggest that I need to look for a job when they know I already have a job? Many years ago when I was working at the veterinary clinic, my mother told me that my father thought what I did was a nothing job and a waste of time. She said he said I earned peanuts and would amount to nothing. I was assisting surgeries, and administering medications, running IV's and anaesthetic machines, taking and developing xrays, as well as doing reception work. But it didn't pay enough so it wasn't worthwhile. And since we were raised that you ARE what you do, that translated into *I* wasn't worthwhile. For years I carried the burden of the belief that my father thought I was worthless and would amount to nothing. A few years ago we had a huge argument over I don't know what now, and I said that I knew he thought what I do isn't a real job. That my mother had told me how he felt about me. He didn't deny it but he also would never speak against my mother. To deny it would be to call my mother a liar and he would never suggest that to me, even it was true. My mother said bad/critical things about my dad, but he never ever said anything to put her down to us kids. I can't remember how we resolved the argument. And I don't know what his true feelings were about what I do for a living. I know my mother made the comments to be hurtful but whether there was truth to them at the time, I don't know.
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